Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
