New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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