My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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