i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
