Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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