thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
