Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
