We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
