my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
