i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
4 words: hood of his car
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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