You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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