Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
