just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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