Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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