How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
