I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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