I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
