he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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