No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
