I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
