I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Someone signed my nipple.
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