Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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