im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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