Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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