I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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