he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
