I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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