I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
