tell your sister to shave her snatch
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
