I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
