Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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