She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
