Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
