Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
