u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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