I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
that may or may not have been my penis.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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