FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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