she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
