I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
