Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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