please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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