Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Please don't give away my fajitas
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
