I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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