so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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