is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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