your parents love me but you hate me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
