is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
organizing the empties. That sober.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
