Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
we're making bets on your personal life
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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