I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
