I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You brought string cheese to the strip club
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
