I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
