not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
